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All or almost all parents love their children. Some of them worry about educating them in the best possible way, and others simply coexist, letting things flow and later when problems arise they wonder, Why is my child misbehaving? Why is he doing poorly in school? and they think that with a few yells or grunts, almost always useless and sterile, they are going to solve something.
The truth is that parenting takes time, patience, calm, understanding, and even so, sometimes things may not go as expected. In any case, it is likely that there are some commonalities in all families that threaten parenting.
1. Lack of knowledge.
Until a few years ago, parents educated instinctively or following the recommendations of previous generations. Today we find it increasingly difficult to connect with instinct and we listen less and less to previous generations. Parents are more alone in parenting, because we no longer live in villages or extended families where grandmothers, aunts, and older cousins collaborated in parenting. However, today there is a lot of knowledge developed that if we are willing to incorporate it, it can be very useful. Today we know how important love and affection are for the development of children, to strengthen self-esteem, to protect them from verbal violence, to let them play, to respect their individual times and qualities. And knowledge is available to everyone.
2. Tiredness and lack of time.
Sometimes we have the knowledge but we are tired to put it into practice. When we are tired, it is easier for us to buy what they ask for at the supermarket than to say NO. But if fatigue is our usual state, it will be very difficult for us to educate. Let's seek help from friends, uncles, grandparents, nephews. Let's re-evaluate our day to day and our priorities. Let us know what to say yes to and what to say no to. Let us make the balance leave us with a positive balance to go home with physical and emotional strength to raise and educate. And let's just dedicate ourselves to being with them. You don't have to go to the movies or play in the park every day. You can play cash games or computer games, cook, watch TV, just be, so that they can see us how to act in the face of life.
Guilt is a feeling that arises from the awareness of committing a fault of any kind. Sometimes these faults have to do with formally formulated laws and others with self-imposed laws. But guilt is not a good counselor to educate. Because if we feel that we are at fault instead of occupying the role of authority that children need, we reward them without rhyme or reason, eliminating the possibility of children maturing. And then we blame ourselves again because we do not know how to make children comply with the basic rules, putting away their toys or eating at the table when the whole family eats. We must strengthen ourselves as responsible adults to be able to exercise our role safely and not full of doubts. And above all, knowing that we do not trauma our children by saying NO when appropriate.
4. Limiting and incorporated beliefs.
Human beings decide and act based on what we believe and not what we see. We all have built-in beliefs, some that come from several generations back and others that we added from the first days of life. Many of them threaten education, but the problem is that we are not aware of them, therefore we cannot realize that they are part of us unless someone points us out. There is an overwhelming power of one's own convictions, compared to the real perception of the senses. This can discourage a child from becoming a chef or cooking with us because we believe that cooking is a women's activity. Or that we tell him that "children don't cry." And so with many other daily behaviors that are born from our guts without being aware of them.
5. Emotional blindness.
The reality is that humans are emotionally illiterate. They don't teach us anything about emotions, no one, parents don't even know their own. The scientist Estanislao Bachrach told me in an interview: “there has to be a subject (at school) called“ emotions ”, another“ negative emotions ”, another“ positive emotions ”, another“ regulation of emotions ”,“ gymnastics emotional "," emotional depth "... That is why I consider it relevant to speak openly, either with a therapist or with family and friends with whom we have true confidence, and not get defensive when they make a comment or criticism, because it can be very appropriate for daily family life and / or the education of children.
It is not about blaming ourselves but about thinking if any of these points may be affecting us and proposing for the next few months to take them into account when raising.
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